the clock strikes midnight... as the dream slips through your head... this is no dress rehearsal... there is no second chance...

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Kevin took me out for movie...xXx with friends...

Went out with fox and mp, kev's colleagues... watch xXx(2) last night .. good movie. Wanted to go for Karaoke but mp was so tired, so maybe next time..
Thank you guys for a great nights' out.

It's been quite a while that me and kev walked down Orchard Road. We are always at the North area and hardly did the things we used to do.. maybe our timing wasn't right or maybe it's just me, always complaining of tired and no time.

Kev will be working this Labour Day and on Monday too. My study partners, Isabel, will be busy with sunday's church stuff and Shiken, prefers to stay home to study... and I foresee myself being alone.........

Friday, April 29, 2005

Anyhow Tikam MCQs

The mcq was difficult.. so much on drugs which i did not cover at all, so me anyhow tikam. The short ans question was easy but then again.. did not cover the topic well. Focused too much on GI- lect 40 to the end.. never come out! Alot on heart failure , drugs .. every thing except upper and lower GI. Never want to trust lecturers on their hints ever again! Hai... next to prepare another paper next Tuesday- Community Health, blah blah blah...

.. eyes puffy .. now me better sleep!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

JP Morgan 2005

ha! did as bad as last yr. finished at 42mins. hAh!

As expected, it was crowded..but it was better than last yr in such a way that they so called like split the starting line, the fast runners went to the blue and the fun runners at the red route. I don't know whether there's any difference in the route.. anyway .. it was better planned than last year. And the same girl, Vivien is the champion!! She finished at 18 mins and the Gurkha guy at 20 or 21 min. Have not read the papers but this was what i heard when it was announced on stage. Cheers to them! And also, TLR finished at 22 or 25 mins, can't remember exactly.. and PHillip at 36mins. Excellent guys!!

I feel that i need to improve on my runnung, but i am not the hard core type and no discipline.. so why bother.. but i want to do it. I want to be better but i can never do it.. always the border line case. Not jus in running, .. in everything i do and in me, myself... sometimes i feel useless and most of the time, i worry. ( can't seemed to get that word "rejected" too... i'm getting that feeling,too).

I am sensitive towards others, i care less for myself.. but i can be selfish at times. I hate to be compared but I love to take up some challenges.. I adapt to changes very well but if anything or anyone dearest to me change.. it will take me a very long and difficult time to accept and adjust. I will need a lot, a lot and a whole lot of assurances... in short.. i need attention.

Right now, I should be worrying about tomorrow's exam.. and i hv not finished revising the remaing chapters. Blamed myself for poor planning.. Can't seemed to remember what was learnt..must be stupid or slow.. Afraid, I might not be able to complete the paper. It feels tough.. the subject is so heavy to digest just like the book! can't remember all the medical terms,in fact everything like don't know *sigh...* I can still remember that once I was full of zest even before the semester begins.. and now i am so weak and lost!

So sad... but ...Kevin is going to accompany me tonight.. while me study, he is going to watch his classic chinese fighting fighting vcds.. .. thank u..

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Going for run after a very long break..

Going for the JP Morgan run later this afternoon at the Padang. There will be a huge turn out, like last year. About 6000 participants, and could not run properly at all. And it's not cheap. Kevin paid $25 for it and $10 for himself. As for the freebies.. can't remember but the T-shirt was of good quality compared to KLIM.

It was MP Morgan run which started me on running. I finished at 45mins, I think, for 5.6km.. the crowd made me run in zigzag manner, stopped a few to times.. infact it's more like walk a jog. Only at the last 400 meters or so, there was so much space.

Have not been running since the KLIM. Busy with school work and all ..
Exam starts this friday and still stuggling with Medical surgical... got tachycardia each time i open the book. breathless , palpitation, angina..

Take deep breaths... relax..

but how to relax when there are so much to cover!!! I have less than 1 day to complete
1) aCID BASE
2) fluid and electrolytes imbalances
3) blood disorders
4) Respiratory disorders
5) Cardiac disorders..
6
After the run later.. continue with these.. and continue till tmr.. means no sleep till tomorrow evening... will sleep early tmr night .. wake up at 6 plus on Friday morning, go school early .. last revision and finally sit for the paper at 9 am. "Fuuhyooh!! ..." :}

Will be meeting TLR and Phillip.. not sure abt David, later at the Padang. Kevin going for this class so, will not be running.. infact i don't want him to run cos he had not been running like since last year in December and his knee is not in good condition. I will miss him around though .. realised that.. never got to take part any competitive together, except for last year's JP, Safra Marathon and Big Walk.. ehhh! got what ..!!! what am i babbling abt? I just want him around that's all!!!

Can i run with my lecture notes, hmmmm.. ?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Now.. what's the problem??!!!!

We definitely cannot please everyone, huh. Even if there's a solution to it, there will still be some unsettled matter of the heart business sort of thing.. or in chinese they call it "sick heart" or something close to that.

Very glad that i had a good talk with KL two nights ago. Somehow i don't know how to interpret his character. He's a smart fellow but at times, very unpredictable. Sometimes we saw him hitting the walls with his fist, venting his anger i guess.. but at times, he suddenly jumped for joy... a little crazy but i thinks that ok.. a little bit of craziness is accepted.. jus like me .. hehehe.. anywayz...

I apologised to him for all the unhappiness i caused for the past 15weeks. Apologise for all the childish and stupid behaviour, if any, and let's just do our best in the next semester, if we are to return to our same subgroup. We knew our strength and weaknesses.. and had laid out some rules.. so as not to make the same mistakes. Basically it's all about respect and discipline. We cannot escape from problems, personality conflict and all.. till the day we step into the wards.. we are going to face even bigger challenges. Interpersonal communication skills play an important role then... must have michael's course book minimised to bring to the wards together with the clinical log book.

But what had happen to our class??? Have we not practice communication skill appropriately? The group reps met up to solve the sub-group issue.. so we reshuffled and a few not happy. And that few.. most probably 2 or 3 of them how object to the idea.. and insisted that it's the mentor's job to shuffle the group. But that wouldn't solve the prob cos not all want to split. arghhh really don't know what to do now...

I am going to let it rest... until the exams over by 6 May. Then after that, i'll be posted to Choa Chu Kang Polyclinic for 1 week and the rest of the 3 weeks will be at TTSH, ward 9B. After that, then got 2 weeks' break.

Trying to study at home.. but home is sooooo comfortable.... always sleepy mode.
Woke up this morning at 7, cooked fried rice for b/fast and study.. but at 9 dozing off.. so i got up, ironed some clothes.. settled down to study again... sleepy...
left the house to Civic Plaza library.. tahan for 2 hrs.. then came back home...fixed Kevin his brunch.. he said the nasi goreng nice.. yummy eh.. Blog till now. Rec'd sms from Isabel, she's at JE library.. maybe will join her later...

Kevin night shift from tdy till Tuesday nite.. Wednesday is the JP Morgan Corp Run..must run cos Kevin already paid $25 for that. Have not been running since the KL Marathon. Cialat.. don't know how man!

hai.. outside got dark clouds.. it's going to rain lor... ahhh .. the bed is calling !!!!!

better read up my 5105... Got to make Ms Low proud lor...!!!

Friday, April 22, 2005

IT'S GETTING CLEARER NOW..

I hate the feeling of having to pretend to hate or to like... i just want to be me. That's all!! Tried to be do good to help but did more harm instead, i feel. I ended up hurting so many people; and making others to feel and to sacrifice for us or should i say.. the affected ones. Would like to express my Thank you for their understanding and I honour their kind intentions.. Hopefully it works. It's definately gonna work cos it's the only way to solve. And the best arrangement we can come out with but of cos, we welcome opinions and objections and confrontations if there's any... Ohhh... please work.

I know I am crude at times.. which i just have to be that way .. to be bad at times, so as to make things better. But some could have interpreted it differently.. I am totally fine if one sees me as a hypocrite for that reason.. cos i know what i was doing, which i hate though... But i hope there's someone else out there understand as to why i was doing all that ,and what i was going through.... it's ok if they want to hate me.. really. I am fine... infact, i asked for it... in the first place.

Hope the discussion we had this afternoon will be accepted by all. So friends... if we are still friends.. tomorrow is the chance to speak up.. so do speak up!

Ok now.. back to serious business.. I have not started on my essay which is due today at 5pm. On top of that, the 2 e-lectures for 5103 , have not even touched as well. Signing off and ...


good luck,ct!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

"are u ok,ct?"

No, i am not ok... so how can you help me,then?
Please la... don't ask for the sake of asking. Really not in the mood for any of these... how i wish u can jus F.o.A.d.
I am not becoming a good person from all this. Haven't I learn enough from working at SingTel... sigh... still the same.. got to stop!
In my entire life today.. I am pissed right before I have to go for my presentation... that was ok ... but i really had to express myself that i had to verbalised those @#$%## words.. and i had to move away for the rest of them just to listen no more to "whatever brilliant idea" others have.. I don't know why i was so affected by it.. maybe i felt for them.. ah what ever la...
AS predicted.. it's not getting any better...

Someone is trying to be nice,eh... and i hate that.. pls la..there's no need to be nice when harm was already done. No more turning back. u are what u are and so be it. You can stop pretending or maybe u can continue the way you have always been.. no diff to me cos u are nothing!!! H.P.O.S!!!! sorry ah... i say what i like to say here... at least i am truthful and sincere.. unlike u... I should have said and confessed on that evening ... but i decided to save ur face... come to think of it... ceh... should have done it.

And another thing!!! Who am i to comment or give advise? I don't know that much... and certainly not close to u... Go ask someone who can't survive without u.. the person knows u better than me.. !!! come on la... how many times must i say... we are all adults... need me to tell meh.. go do u own soul searching... and tell me instead hahahahhaa!!!! how abt that ?!!!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

" "

Eh... i thought kevin off my laptop last night before we went to bed... but this morning ,this program still running when i switched it on.. i might have fell asleep after talking to Shiken and my laptop went into sleep mode too... hmmm, another thing was that.. i had a hard time deciding on the title for last night event. Let see what i had in mind:
1- I've been betrayed!
2- Now I feel rejected!
3- Disappointed!
4- It doesn't pay to be nice...
5- I felt for him and, hey... i am sorry
6- Betrayal!!!!!!.
7- Who betray who?
8- U can all hate me, I don't care!
9- Stop acting... la!!!!
10- So what the problem eh?
11- It's not getting any better.
12- Has the tribe spoken?
13- What's up in their mind, i wonder but i knew it!
14- Productivity vs Personality Conflict
15- Let's continue to avoid.
16- The tribe has spoken....


hai ... forget it... it was all said and done. Have to make the best for what is left in the next semester. It's not a fair deal though... A is on his own and what more can he say towards B.. and so be it.. And the "friends4ever" had spoke their mind too.. In the end.. what's left for me to say...? I was so frustrated with the whole issue but what to do. Fifteen weeks gone by and we're still in state of denial. I was shocked with their "sincerity". Yes, I am tired.. i wanted to give up to care for them long time ago... and think for myself for once... but i thought i could improve the situation so I tried, shouldn't have done so in the 1st place, my fault i think... but after yesterday... it has all gone to waste.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Reflection??

Still can't get over it!!! Let's be selfish... but then it's not my style...

From day 1, infact i even blogged abt this stuff and i was so damn well prepared for it . i have learnt to manage my expectations and to work tog in a diplomatic way... but at times, i had no choice but to show my temper ... frustrations ..anger . i believe anyone who is close to me, can see it as if it's written on my forehead! I am human too... yes i always carry that smile and joyful look... but if i were to put on a different mask- angry, crazy or sad ... all started to question me.... Now tell me... how to hide my feelings... cannot always act happy and lively (and sweet... nah... too old for that) ..,, and i can't possibly be the one always giving in (which i don't mine and better give in to solve the problem, settle it and be done with it... & move on!!!) ... no wonder i breakdown easily ... now all know that i am not as tough as i look.

"sOmEoNE out there... pls have some initiative!!!! oops... forgotten.. maybe that "having initiatives" may not be in that person's style... Why can't all just speak up and make things easy for all. After all, we are only left with like one and half yr to go..". aiyah.. easy said then done... me can't voice it up too ... *sigh susah.... just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings... let Me bleed then... it's ok... i'm used to it... had always been at the frontline... no prob.. nothing is wrost than a nasty **** customer!

But i am thankful to have a bunch of wonderful friends.. Shiken, Isabel, x-tina and those that comfort me when i'm down. Caring and sensitive pple... playful yet serious... and i have Jae to scream and yell to !!!!

i have to go school now...


signing out!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

ARghhhhhhh !!!!

"i want out!!"...
from our lives' beginning on
We are pusjhed in little forms
no one asks us how we like to be
In school they teach you what to think
But everyone says different things
But they 're all convinced that
They're the ones to see
So they keep telking and they never stop
And at a certain point you give it up
So the only thing that's left to is think is this..
I want out - to live my life alone
I want out - let me be
I want out - to do things on my own
I want out- to live my life and be free
People tell me A and B
They tell me how tI have to see
So they push me then from side to side
They are pushing me from black to white
They'r pushing till there's nothing more to hear
But don't push me to the maximum
Shut ur mouth and take it home
cause i decide the way things gonna be
There are million ways to see the things in life
A million ways to be the fool
In the end of it, none of us is right
Sometimes we need to be alone.
~ halloween, Keeper of the Seven Keys: I want out.~

What a relieve .. Thank God...

Alhamdullillah..... Thank God... I passed the Bio prac test .. got a 'C' and therefore passed my overall. But still must bear in mind, Siti that you have to clear the Semester paper in May. Yeah... just have to keep on studying .. consistently, but where got time ah...

Got the Bio results yesterday and I was so relieved that i had to cry.. very emotional huh... must thank Dr Poh for the extra class. So touched! So nice of him to spare his precious time.. nanyang got voting system or not ah? Must vote him for the best tutor for the year!!! I don't really like the idea of having different tutor for a particular subject. He teaches well and so very clear. Everyone in class wants him to be our permanent prac tutor... But, we also don't mine Ms Teresa, the pharmacist lady, who said she's a malaysian but.. she looks more like a korean, an elegent tai tai! I like her too, very cute.. but then, Dr Poh is still the best!! I want DR POH and so does everyone!

Hah!!! "Stress ah.. how ah!!! " Yeah... u just added another stress ... why must u leave??? Tell me...that it's another German joke of urs!! Who will be taking us?? Oh ...now I regret for not participating actively and doing well for his subject... It must be US lah... like usual.. never come prepare for his tut and skills classes.. sometimes can see that he's frustrated with us.. and maybe that could be the reason he's leaving... hai... sorry la..

Wishing him all the best at Ngee Ann... & he will be MISSED..........

Thank U, Michael. You are one of our favourites too.... Must say... bribery! This friday my skill test....Ahem ahem...


This morning 5108 paper was ok. The begining part, as usual, tricky.. didn't really study much last night, just revising the tut questions and work book.. (while kevin kept playing that old 1980s'chinese song over & over again... which till now still etched in my mind) ... Michael marked it and results were given this afternoon.... I passed 5108! Infact, i improved ... got B. Very happy. And i could hear Kok Leong clapping for me.. Thank u .. got no chance to say that to him. As for him, the underdog.. got A+ ( i think) and Sis Peggy got almost a perfect score!! How they do it ah... ?

What's next? Skills prac test and 5105 presentation this Friday.
MOnday.. Patient Education Presentation and followed then ,
Sociolgy Theory test on Tuesday.

So damn busy... and yes.. forgot to mentioned here ...
i am not the only one busy... my sayang is busy with his too....

You are better than BEST!


Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so many things to do so little time!!!!!!!!

take note: lately... got migraine.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Stress....Week 15 and counting down

Right now, I am sitting at one corner in the library... thinking why are there so much assignments to do and presentations to prepare. In 2 weeks' time, it's exam week and after that 6weeks' of attachments to hospital/clinic or where-ever... and yes..attachments will be graded too. Then, follwed with a miserable 2 weeks break before it all started again....If i pull through this semester with all 'C's or even 'D's, i'll jump for joy!

So far.. there's not much studying done, jus completing assignments and presentations.. complete , throw them aside and move on to the next....time mgmt is very important here... and i am so bad at it. 5102 assignment had to cut marks for handing it 1 day later. Lesson to learn... don't do things last minute..

So here i am in the library, trying to squeeze my brains out to write my lesson plan and prepare my 10min speech relating to Health education : Asthma. It's a 10 mins speech... should i talk abt the anatomy of the respiratory system..? Are my audience ready to here those "chim" words.. and most likely, they may know more than i do.. so how ah... how to draw attention and make it interesting since most of them knows what asthma is... should i tell them my very own experience... how i feel living with asthma and how very little underestand others have about asthma... it's just coughing and the phelgm causes breathlessness, take the inhaler ... breathe and everything will be ok.. yeah right .. .. But what most don't understand is the way we feel when an attack occurs, especially when there's no sign of it coming... it feels like dying ... eh! maybe i can start with " Asthma kills!!!!" and ha! this will make my audience open their eyes and ears, big big...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A quick Update

Just handed in 2 written assignments which were all done at the very last minute... I am so exhausted.. i feel so lost and don't know what to do...

Met up with my mentor this afternoon.. i was told that i got the "love letter" due to my absent records. But.. phew! it was not me... another Siti. She looked at me and asked how i have been. "tired ah", i answered. My mentor, then advised me to cut down or stop my extra activities. Then she said" what happened to the vibrant Siti?"
( and yesterday, my friends said that i looked pale and green.... (green?? hmmmm)

ACitivities!!!! what activities do i have??? Only running ! but i have not been running since the KLIM. I am not in the mood for anything... Studying is so tough for me now. Whatever i study, didn't seem to register. Read, read and read again and again just to understand. Maybe it's the age factor.. but there are others who are older mah... and they are doing well , infact very well... but really... i can't cope.. :"(

I don't know where I am at right now as in what have i learnt? From day one to now.. i don't know anything like that!!! What happened ah?

Maybe i should keep on running and do stuff i usually do. Maybe by doing so, I will not be so lethargic and get my sympathetic system up and going... maybe ah hmmm... let's see how.


Everyday, rush to school.. for lecture and tut.. do assignments and presentations .. no time for self study.. no time to go see movies.. too tired to run.. not eating well.. face looks pale.. at times, have the fear of going for skills or tut classes ... carry heavy bag but nothing in the brain.. think too much & worry for nothing.. reached home do a bit of hse work.. home food is still the best, so cook simple dishes..must talk and play with catz, but always forget to call parents..prepare for the next day..sleep latest at 2am and lastly, make kevin happy... ahhhhhhhhhh...

I miss my Sayang...


Everyone has their own style of studying. But I don't know what's mine. My study partner is Shiken and she is still full of energy and enthusiasm. This afternoon in the library, while she was revising.. typing notes on her new laptop, I dozed off..
Study with Isabel also best! Today she was at Mac Cafe @ Lido, to study but she left the place early too.. said very tired.

So I went home, bought cat food and took a very short nap ... still feeling drowsy.. but..
have to study for my Bio prac test. This friday morning at 9. I have to pass, die die must pass.. ( i failed in the previous theory test).

got to stay up so ... where my coffee?