End of my IVF journey

It's negative with beta results less than 1.7 , according to the nurse over the phone. Not much info was given... just " sorry, you take care. We'll fix an appointment with your Dr ... blah blah blah... "

Very sad even though I was very prepared with the outcome.

What happened? I don't know. And I think the Dr may not be able to explain too.

I can only conclude one thing based on how i felt during my 2 weeks wait...
the cramps, pins and needles, aches, and no sign of breast swelling might be signs and symptoms of BFN.

Into my Day 11 post FET

My 2nd attempt on IVF done naturally. My 3 frozen embryos survived the thawing and transfered all 3. Graded 2,3 and 4. My blood test will be on 3 May. Hope it will work this time.

I would say that this frozen cycle is much easier and less stressful as compared to fresh transfer. I have no major pains, bloatedness or even soreness. Not too sure whether or not any of it was a good/bad sign. However, initially, there were cramps over where the ovaries are , and back pain. I have no signs of AF coming too, maybe because of the progesterone pessaries. I read that the pessaries may likely to cause delay or even prevent AF from coming. No matter how much this cycle may seem easier, it still drives me crazy thinking if the implantation is working, whether the embryos are sticking on it or are they still alive from day 1.

I prayed very hard for this project to work. For the 1st 3 days, I restrict my hyperactive behaviour to the minimalist. Stayed in bed and had almost everything I need around me. I am really having good rest at my sister's place during this 2 weeks wait till this weekend. Kevin has been very supportive, allowing me to be away from home during this period. He must have miss me a lot ! He came to visit, took me out for movie once and to the shopping mall. I have the company of my nieces and nephew. I watched the hilarious comedy " the big bang theory" - and finished watching the whole of their 3 seasons. Oh, if any of my embies survived, I don't mind if my kid turns out to be a genius like Dr Seldon :D

I went to work on Day 9 post FET, i was not happy about it of course, but I had no choice. Nobody at work cared I supposed ( except for Ruby, Efiea, Jessie and Zee Ying).

Since I do not have any signs of AF or any implantation bleeding as many others ivf-mumwannabe would usually expect... it's making me want to get that home pregnancy test set to see for my self and to end this waiting game. Impatient I am, but i need some info. If I am going to get a faint negative, i am all prepared for it. But if i get a faint positive, I will be excited and afraid at the same time too... the waiting game continues till the day they run the blood test to confirm. Then, it will be the worst 3 day wait ever! And if the result turns out to be the opposite...that, I cannot take it! Feeeling the stress now.

Sigh... think i better quit thinking about this HPT experiment.

Beta Hcg due today and the result ....

Positive vibes was felt all the way till the day 16 post transfer, 1-day before my BHcg test, i got my period. Full blown period. It came so right on the spot on day 16! My feelings were telling me it's going to be a failure. Why? Because it a full blown period! it was not spotting, it was not dark red or dark brown. It was heavy fresh blood!!!! (sorry,too much info)

A few days back i got symptoms of AF coming- back pain, left- right abdo cramps, but i brushed them aside, thinking it was a good sign to have some pain which can mean that the muscles in my uterus and surrounding it are contracting and expanding to make room for my embbies. I was also looking forward to some kind of discharges, they called it implantation spotting/bleed. But NO! there wasn't any but all-time whitish discharges which gave me an indication that my period was due to come anytime... ( sorry again for TMI) and it chose to come on 1-day before my blood test- day 16, yesterday at 4.30pm. How disappointing!

At KKIVF this morning, told the nurse of my period... and the look on her face changed and trying to empathized with me, asked me if i have frozen embryos... oh ... on hearing that, i think i don't have to go through this blood test and i knew what the result would be. How negative i was!

At 11am, the nurse called to inform me of my result. It's a Big Fat Negative. I thanked her and ended the call. Felt nothing until i started to share the news to some important friends and family members via SMS. No way i could make the calls. And that was when i cried buckets!

Life still must go on... getting back to work tomorrow. I have 3 frozen embryos stored somewhere in that fridge!

What might have gone wrong??? And what should i do differently for my 2nd ivf?

Didn't have rested enough?

Keep housework to the minimalist.

Consult TCM.

Do Acupuncture.

My next step : appt with my consultant on 22 Feb. Get appt for 2nd ivf .

next next step : maybe plan for short break before 2nd ivf.

One thing for sure now that I do NOT wish to sell MY Bicycle, in case 2nd ivf fails again.

Hospital Leave for 20 days.

Egg Retrieval was done on 19 Jan. It was much earlier than i'd expected. Had total of 14 follicles but only manage to have 5 embryos. 3 in freezer and 2 returned to my uterus. On 3rd day after ER, I had the 2 embryos transfered on the 21 Jan.

On Egg Transfer day, kevin was allowed to observe the procedure. He sat beside me. There were 2 monitors- one which showed the embryos (magnified) with my name and nric written on the dish, coming from the embryologist's lab. And, another monitor - the ultrascan which showed images of my bladder /uterus, to helped with the implantation of the embryo into my uterus by the reproductive endocrinologist, my consultant.

The procedure took less than 15mins, rested for a short while for 10mins, and that was it!

2 embbies are now in my uterus... please please get sticky to my uterus!

Got 20 days of hospitalisation leave till my pregnancy test on 7 feb!

In between this 2 weeks wait, gave myself the pregnyl jabs ( progesterone for luteal support) every 3-4 days as ordered.

A week have passed, another week to go. It was sure the longest 2 week wait ever.

6 Jan 2011 : E2 estridol and U/S scan

This morning at 730hr, i went for blood test - E2 to check my estrogen level and scan my uterus to see if both are ok before starting on - Puregon- this additional subcut ( Lucrin still continues till my follicles grow to 16mm) is to help with the development of multiple follicles.

at 11am, received call from KKH that my E2 level is at good range and so i can start on Puregon 400u every morning for 7 days and on the 8th day (15 Jan 2011) , scheduled for 9am scan. As for the scan, the uterus lining is thin and there's no sign of cyst. Only seen clots/spots from my previous menses.

kevin starts on his oral antibiotics on same day 08 Jan for 7 days.

According to the nurse, it will take about up to 10-14days to see the growth of the follicle. 14days counting from 8th Jan will indicate that my ER will be earlier than i expected, probably fall between 21 to 24th Jan. 2days wait for fertilization then, transfer the eggs.

17 days after ET, pregnancy test (approximately around the 14.02.2011 week!)

My challenges for the next 2 months...

I am finding it too confusing, so the dates may not be accurate. But it's about there la....

My estimated schedule :-

Day 1 ( 1 dec)

start of menses 1^st December 2010 - call KKH IVF

Day 2 (2 dec)

collected microgynon

Day 3 - Day 20

started Microgynon (birth control pills) x 19 days

Day 21 (22 dec) - Day 26 ( 26 dec) :

Microgyon 5days + subcut Lucrin 10 units x 5 days

Total Microgyon 24days

Day 27 - Day 35 ( 27.12 to 6 January 2011) :

subcut Lucrin 10 Units x 11days

Total 16days Lucrin - baseline scan & bloodtest for E2

Day 36 - Day 42 ( 7 Jan to 13 Jan 2011)

subcut Lucrin 10 units x another 7 days

Day 43- Day 49 (14 Jan 2011 – 20 Jan 2011)

Start subcut Puregon 200 IU x 7 days + Lucrin 10 units

Day 50 (21 Jan 2011)

(8th day of puregon)- 1st scan

Day 54 (9th to 12th days of puregon) - 2^nd scan

Day 58 (29 Jan 2011)

(16th day of puregon): 3^nd scan

** When follicles reach 16mm, STOP Lucrin. Total 16 days puregon

Day 58 (29 .1.2011) : IM pregnyl at night , ER 2 days later
Day 60 (30.1.2011) : Egg Retrieval
Day 61- Day 62 (31.1 - 01.02.2011) : wait for fertilisation
Day 63 (02.02.2011) : Egg transfer / balance embroyo to freeze

Day 64- Day 80 (03.02.2011- 20.02.2011) - return for progesterone blood tests (x3) - if more than 15 eggs collected, got to return for IM progesterone daily for 17 days. If less than 15 eggs collected, 4 x HCG jabs.

Day 81 (21.02.11) : 17 days later, pregnancy test

why i have not been writing much?

too many activities - no energy to write.

2010, has been another challenging year for me and the coming months heading on to 2011 will even be the biggest challenge of my life(and Kevin's too, of cos).

looking back at my 2010 calender, in the past months, we have been busy with home improvements. renovated our home so beautifully that my heart aches when we handed the keys away. been living with my in-laws ever since the start of the fasting month. tough but i am grateful to have such wonderful and understanding in-laws. have to admit that we do have some minor problems here and there, but they are willing to give in to me. nice in laws. i know i have hurt them in one way or another. i am living in their house and i wanting to make it like mine, my style, my way- i just wanna feel comfortable. i have invaded there freedom, their breathing and living space. On the other hand, we hope to care, look out for one another and save cost, maybe. Well, surely things do not seem to turn out to be what we hoped for.

in between those busy and messy months, i underwent Hysteroscopic Myomectomy. did not realised that multiple fibroids and polyps have been living inside me for very long that it grew between 6 to 8cm! had those extra-territorials removed and planned for another bigger project- project of a lifetime!






"Project P" we would call it. it's been almost 2 weeks now, i have been taking daily does of microgyon tablet for 26days. started 2 days after my LMP dated 1.12.2010. it's an oral contraceptive pill- birth control. almost immediately, it ended my period, and i can't help but to notice the change over my left boobs- slightly raised and increased. not too sure if the pills have caused this.

On day 21 from my LMP (22.12.2010) - will be starting on daily injections - Lucrin injections for about 2-4weeks - every morning on my tummy. Just in case i'd be afraid to jab myself, i have taught mama how to do it, and kevin has got his training from the nurse when we last visited the IVF centre. Yes! it's ivf/icsi treatment with KKH. My doctor is Dr M. Hendriks.

Extreme Makeover 2010

Extreme Makeover held on 23 January 2010.. one of the school's many outreach programmes. The students had a blast cleaning, painting , scrubbing and washing the selected 1 - 3 bedrooms flats at York Hill and Bukit Merah estates. As for me, I did very little...

I have about 18 students - with Edwin being the only thorn among the roses. They did most of the cleaning job while all I did was giving them instructions and tips on how to handle the paint brush, how to paint, where to paint, what to paint.. where needs more cleaning, scrubbing.. what can be thrown, what to do next ... and so on.

We had the worst house to makeover. A 1-room unit at York Hill. There were a strong stench of urine as we entered the house. You could even smell it on the owner of the house. He's about 70, seemed unkempt and under nourished. 90% of his unit was infested with bed bugs, and I noticed that there were not other sort of creepy crawlers could be found, only bed bugs. Bed bugs everywhere.. on mattress,bed frames, all over the table top, food leftovers, fridge and even on walls and ceiling.

We should have engaged the expertise from the pest control or NEA because killing those bugs were the toughest thing to do. The students had to use all their might to smashed them till there were blood. Then, scrape and paint over. There were instances when we had no choice but to paint over the live bugs. So, there were no guarantee that the bugs will ever stop breeding.

The house was filled with the smell of urine, leftover food, sweat , everything and anything. No need to mention about the condition of the wash room. The video said it all. Renuka did an excellent job . She turned the toilet bowl into a sparkling brand new one.

It took us about 6 hrs to complete the makeover. The saddest part doing this type of community work was to have to throw away some of the old man's belongings. Some thing we saw or felt that they might have some sentimental value, no matter how bad it is, we put it aside. Things which could be rescued for further use, we returned. Those with bugs, we had no choice but to throw.
The things which we threw were his bed, mattress, fridge filled with very bad foul smell, wardrobe, some clothes, food stuff, newspapers, standing fan, old radio and tv.

A great sense of satisfaction and relieve were felt by the students, at the end of their hard day's work. Usually, they would be given a T-shirt which bears this project name but they agreed to forgo that and use the money to buy household items to replace the old ones.

Together with the organization we worked with, we donated a standing fan, a new set of bed and mattress, wardrobe and some food supplies to the homes at Bukit Merah and York Hill. Very proud to be working with these group of dedicated students with good team spirit.

We hope that the old man will maintain his home in a good and clean manner. We also hope that this family members or neighbours will take care of him. And last but not least, we really hope for NO bed-bugs!

I miss me.

• I used to go for short runs or brisk walks in the morning but these days, or ever since i started my new job, I just couldn't get myself out of bed early, especially on weekends.

• We used to explore places of interest. Now we explore interesting buildings.
  

• Thought I would be enjoying riding my new bicycle, but no... because, I still have some fear riding on the road.

• We used to go to Sentosa on weekends, and during that period of time, we were quite active.. we exercised and did run abit.. we felt so fit! I just loved the way i was ... the way i looked, i loved my skin colour back then. But now, I have gained so much weight and 1-mth of fasting has no effect at all. My waist line was no where to be seen. I really have to work hard to "trim and fit" myself :(
  

• Then, we used to find the opportunity to escaped to Malaysia whenever possible. Not sure.. since when..? , we can't find that opportunity and still waiting for the right weekend to escape.

• We used to hang out with colleagues and friends for dinner, bowling, karaoke, etc. We hardly have time to plan for such. Where have all the fun gone to?
  

• I miss saying this ... "Let's go play!"
  

Youth Expedition Team to Manipal, India. 26.09.09 to 10.10.09

Here's the group of students I will be with throughout the whole of 14days in Manipal, India.

A good mix of Malays, Indian, Chinese and Myanmese. 33 of them.

Don't know what to feel about this trip. So there's nothing much to write about.

But I will miss Todd, definitely. And of cos, Kevin ... a lot a lot a lot.

AHM & SBR 2009

Completed 3hrs 12mins, when i crossed the finishing line for 21km. Never improve. Can never be better.
Why? Because never been running, no training whatsoever, been eating a lot and never watch my diet.
I registered according to my age group,the Veteran category, .. a red coloured tag, which I
didn't see many women runners with that colour tag. I wonder where they were, or were there any?
Hmmm.. Couldn't be only me right? So, obviously ... i signed up under the wrong category. How stupid. But then, I get to have a tag with the word "veteran" hehee..
Next year.. if i am still running.. will register.. as Women's Close instead of Open. And so, i will complete all categories hhahhaha..

The running route was so much better compared to previous years. I like.
Good weather. Plenty of water stops and bananas.

Postmortem run: Pain on my right 2nd toe. It's been swelling since quite some time now. Lower back pain. No asthma attack.

now i don't care.

sorry i have neglected you eversince i started at this new workplace. the people at work goggled ... and that was the only reason why i had stopped updating. but after many months away... 7 mths in this new work environment ( which i felt already old working there) , i don't care much about what they will think about me and my life....

So colleagues if you are reading this.. welcome, welcome.. and pls come again.., do drop me a message before u leave .. don't be shy :)

Gym

Signed up for gym last weekend..

The  trainer did some calculations.. and think every thing stated at normal range.  I am happy with what i see. But surely, there's a need to improve on something, somewhere, somewhat, some how... 

Can't remember what was indicated on the piece of my physical assessment paper. 

 The trainer mentioned that i can choose to work on my body fat, even though it's within the good range base on my vital stats.

Think my body fat percentage works up to 24%

Ideally, for my case should be between 21-33%.  

He suggested to cut it down by 2.4%.. to the less health risky range.. i guess.

and the thigh and waist areas...  

I remember the last time i took some blood test, my cholesterol blood level  was " borderline high".. 

i just skimmed through the numbers and it states "6.0"  and  didn't really find the time to analyse what it means.. 

I didn't do anything about it. 

Denial stage maybe, and still is... 

running while kev in gym

don't know whether to call it a jog or run?

so far.. running from  bugis up to nicole highway, marina boulevard and back to bugis, 

quite enjoyable.. given the windy weather nowadays.. not that tiring..  

maybe because  not running fast enough.  The distance seems far and took me almost 1hr. i don't mind that lenght of  time.. cos .. i feel the need to endure running for many hours should i decide to take part in long distance run this year.  But,  it was only about 5 to 6km when we drove to calculate the distance.

thinking of taking part in that sundown 42km. still deciding...

my weight management...

... after running at that distance and time. 

initial wt end NOV : 54

start new work 8 DEC,  gained 3.6kg

after running for a month : 56

with 1 session of slimming treatment: 54kg

after the bbq at downtown east >>>>>  back to 57!!  

with some dieting..  and 2nd session of slimming treatment, 2 days ago

and yesterday's run : 56kg 

and that was this morning's wt- taking. 

got 2 more slimming session .. in feb. 

See how it goes.

CNY going to the m'sia highlands.. i want to bring my running shoes this time.

2009 Wishes...

2008 had been a great year.  Can't exactly remember what  my 2008 resolution was, apart from saving money.. but nevermind,  cos this year i have not thought of any.   Well except for to save money, again.  I can't commit to my previous resolution..  but so far what i wished for in 2008, came through, at least one wish ... so maybe I should just wish to have more money in 2009, so that i can save. ah.. then.. my resolution to save money works!

The best thing that happened to me in 2008 was being able to secure a job before leaving TTSH.  Leaving TTSH was a wish I made at the start of 2008 and it came through ( thanks to YF for the recommendation).   But, leaving TTSH was the hardest thing to do too.  I left on 28 November  and till today,I still feel sad having to leave the wonderful nurses at Ward12B, and everyone there.. be it the doctors, physio, dietition..  I miss all of them.  

  

2008,   

Kevin and I have  got to know  many good and beautiful people. 

Over the year,  Kevin's ex-colleagues maintained the friendship with the help of Facebook, they created a group called "Happy Family".    We went for a snorkelling trip to Perhentian Island . Best experience was to swim with the giant turtles.   There were a few organised activities , like in-line skating at East Coast..  the last time i had that skate on was like 10yr back,  it was so difficult to skate, now that i not that young.   We took part in the Runway Cycle, can never forget this day..    Me and Kevin cycled from home to paya lebar airport, on the road.. for the very first time... and on my birthday!  Yeah.. we got ourselves bicycles!   I wished for that too!

Another memorable event was my 37th birthday! 

Kevin drove me up to Genting, KL , and it was our first driving experience to M'sia.  I always wanted to go to Genting and try running in that so- called cold climate. But the weather was not that chilly as it used to be and there were no safe route to run, so didn't achieve that.  

My lovely TTSH ex-colleagues threw me a birthday party at Fish and Co.

Kevin and I managed to escape whenever possible to nearby resorts...

We'd been to Bali, the furthest for 2008. 

To Port Dickson with Candy.

To Desaru with Ash ...

Driving to desaru feels like driving to Sento.  

We just love the beach at Desaru. 

Never wished for a new mobile but I got Omnia. 

Started my new job in December, and best part..  there were some salary re-structuring and I benefited from it.  Got my salary adjusted before i started working.. and extra 1 mth pay in my first mth salary.  

Working 5 days a week,  free after 6pm, no shifts... leaves me with so much time to do what i wanted to do... Started running and kevin started going to gym.  going to the movies practically every day.  to the beach on weekends..  spending time at home.. sweet. 

There were many other events in 2008 to list down.. but those were the ones which can never forget.  It was them...   Kevin, YF, my TTSH friends,  the "Happy Family" that made my 2008  the most memorable year ever! 

So.. what do i wish for 2009?

kevin get new job &

a baby, maybe?

Getting our life back..

Exactly at 6pm, i am out of the office.
No work on Saturdays and /Sundays.

To the movies almost everyday..
To the beach on sunny weekends,
Cycling on any other weekends
Run on every other day...

Cook more often, whenever possible.

And, to spend more time at the comfort of our home, sweet home.

Hoping to make all of the above possible.

Trying something ridiculous..

I want to shed some weight.. currently at 54kg..  but no matter how much i exercise , can't seem to cut down that extra pounds. Whatmore, almost every weekend there's always makan session which i don't want  to miss.. 

...  I think it's the age factor... it's difficult to get back into shape.. 

So i did what most aunties do....  I signed up for  3 trials of slimming sessions plus 1 free slimming massage.. Just to try it out.. let's see if it actually works on me , like how they advertised on the pamphlet..  

3 trials may not show much but i think i don't need 10 sessions.. as i am not that big like the ladies in their portfolio....  I have 10x less bulging tummy ...  no sagging thighs, underarms or breast..Not yet! .., 10x less fat !! 10 to 20kg lighter!!!!   Just wanting to see if they can get rid of the cellulites.. fat lines.. as they assureed  that i should feel the difference after 1 session.. so 3 sessions should be ok. 

 

Life after TTSH

life at ttsh .. have made me feel younger and energetic.. thanks to all my lovelies ashikin, fiona, aisya, aziza, juria, ida, maybelle ... kelly ..wendy.. azleen .. jus to name a few .. Besides just working for the organisation, keeping the standards as per JCI, and caring for the sick and those hard work  when some day we were treated like maids and sometimes a receptionist, a secretary, but most of the times running up and down the cubicle making sure the patients are alright..

Despite all that as we chose to become nurses,, we are human too..

never fail to make our lives interesting either by treating ourselves to good food, jokes, juicy gossips.. opps!  at the end of the day. Some party hard, karaoke.. bowling .. having good laughs at Minds' cafe...  

Putting our differences aside...   But, no matter what..  we are united, and we feel for one another whenever anyone of us are feeling down or faced with problems. We even cry together  when one is experiencing bad relationship. We cheer up those who are feeling down. Comfort those who in need for love.  We have feelings, afterall we are nurses..  we have sense of empathy..

But unfortunately, the HR and Payroll dept do not have such sense. 

I was informed that my last salary will be withheld and will be paid only in maybe next 14 days!  Woah.. that's too long a time to wait.  

I do not have that long time to wait so I have it checked with MOM under the Employments'  Act.  Which according to the Act, it says :-

If the employee terminates the contract by resigning and has served the required notice period, the employer must pay the employee all due salary on the last day of the employment.

If the employee terminates the contract by leaving employment without notice or without serving the required notice period, salary should be paid to the employee within seven days from the last day of the employment.

I have served my notice period of 1 mth, and even settled the liquidated damages of $8384.80 as per request and now, my pay was held up. Why?  

commitment?

Patients' interest first,
Do what's right for them..
that's all.. i care.

Leaving so soon..

Left with 14 mths remaining to my 3yr bond, and i chose to leave.

Exit interview tomorrow with the HR .. don't know what they are going to ask me.
No ugly stuff that i will say eventhough i got a lot to comment about. But even if i do, don't think they give a damn. All that they are interested in will be the 4-fig cheque amt which is due for payment tomorrow. The liquidated damages from breaking the 3yr bond.

I thought that they will offset against my salary .. so as to reduced the LD amt. But no, they insisted on full LD amt. My salary will be released on my exit day.

The most saddest thing now .. my exit day falls on my last Night shift (after offsetting my AL and Day off) .. as my dearest colleaque put it as " leave in peace " . Yah.. i am going to leave the ward like how my preceptor left us... he left in peace.. just broadcast " thanks and goodbye" sms.. and see how many pple return your sms.. and that's how u will know who and how many pple at work really cared about you.

To the one who already miss me and cried in the storeroom .. I am going to miss you to the MAX!

And i am already missing everyone of them at work... . I blamed it on the system that divides us.. but when I minus the pressure at work, and add a bit of smile and laughter among us all, we are a bunch of wonderful and fun people to be with. Remember the BBQ last december.. we played hard and had loads of fun.

it's really hard to leave when u know it is not the work that u hate but the system..
and as i write this.. can't stop the tears...
Today till the end of my working days, will have to try to hold back .. the sadness and tears..
but each time i talk and think about it , and while at work , it jus makes me sad
... ahhh.. i guess i will be next running to the storeroom..